Fifty Years of Lessons Learned

With our fiftieth anniversary happening today, I’ve recently joked that the real secret to our long marriage is probably some combination of stubbornness and laziness. At this point, a new partner would require too much work. We like our life in this slow, familiar lane. Our theme song could easily be “Happy to be Stuck with You.”

Nevertheless, anyone who reaches this milestone will tell you that it happened so fast.

I know you didn’t ask, but we have learned a few lessons that may be useful to others. Some of those lessons have been more hard-won than others. Being two very different humans, we’ve learned to accept who we are and adjust our expectations of each other. We’ve realized we can’t change the other person, only our reaction. Hence, we’ve come to appreciate each other’s basic natures.

We’ve also learned that we cannot be each other’s entire world. We need time and space to pursue interests that feed us as individuals. Today that’s his photographing deep-sky objects and grilling on his Blackstone flat-top. For me, it’s writing and volunteering as a Reading Grandma at a local preschool.

Here are a few more thoughts about how to survive and even thrive in a long-term relationship.

First things first.

Choose wisely. My formula for choosing a partner is the same as for a friend. Choose someone smart, kind, and funny. In short, don’t marry an asshole. Choose someone you like spending time with, someone who makes you laugh. Do you like the kind of person they are? How do they treat clerks and wait staff? How do their parents treat one another? How do they handle disagreements and disappointments? Expect kindness and respect—at the very least.

Of course, the ancillary to this rule is don’t BE an asshole. Don’t yell or nag or criticize how a job gets done. The towels folded into thirds? Certain delicate items get line-dried? If it’s that important something is done your way, do it yourself. And do it without the martyred sighs, please. After all, your partner is a fully grown adult, not a child.

Talk with each other

Because we both tend to live inside our heads, we’ve had to seek professional help in the past. One takeaway from those sessions was the need to talk on a regular basis in ways that aren’t merely “Dinner’s ready” or “Did you take out the trash?” Nowadays these are scheduled twice-weekly chats just to be sure no issues or resentments are allowed to fester. They act as a little pressure release valve.

Just don’t talk to me before coffee.

Divide and conquer.

When we were first married, I said we had a strict division of labor: Everything inside the house was mine, unless it was broken. Everything outside was his, unless it had flowers. He says that he works hard in the engine room so that I can live my life on the promenade. Basically, he takes care of all tech, household and car maintenance, and TV remotes. I plant flowers and make things comfortable and pretty. It’s a pretty sweet deal for which I am grateful.

Still, it took us decades of trial and error to figure out a housework system that works for us. Of course, we’re both retired now and have no kids or pets at home. It turns out they weren’t the only ones making a mess by the way. These days we decide on one hour–usually a weekend morning–to clean the house. He vacuums and washes the floors–all of them and their various surfaces. I do the bathrooms and dust.

Dishes? As a scientist, he’s very picky about how the dishwasher is loaded, so he usually loads and starts it. Then, because I’m pickier about how the dishes are put away–you know, stacked and nested–I empty. I also like the laundry done a certain way, so once a week that’s on me. When it’s done, I fold it into His and Hers baskets. We put away our own clothes. We change linens as a team simply because it’s easier.

You’re part of a team

Act like it. Enjoy each other’s company. Choose each other every day. Not everything needs to be an argument. This, of course, assumes that the other person isn’t abusive or unfaithful. When in doubt, refer to my first rule.

Marriage will almost never be 50/50. Get over that expectation early on. While you may have periods when you share equally in the task of being a couple and raising a family, there will be times when it’s simply impossible. There may be days or weeks when you or your spouse only have ten or twenty percent to give. Maybe less. Illness, disability, work, or other obligations may simply take all you or they have to spare. Brene’ Brown agrees. Grant your partner a little grace.

Take the long view

We’ve learned that both the good and not-so-good times come and go. Knowing that has allowed us to weather the inevitable disagreements, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. We say “I love you” and “thank you” often. We touch each other often. And yes, he still makes me laugh.

But the real secret to staying married through all those decades? Don’t quit.

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Those are my tips. But here’s what some professionals have to say. We do most of these too. https://bestlifeonline.com/long-marriage-secrets/

Do you agree? What would you add?